Real men don’t paint their toenails

By Mike Murphy

OK, now I’m really confused. First there was black entertainer Michael Jackson trying to turn his skin white which, of course, was an entirely different matter than President Barack Obama getting under white conservatives’ skin because he is black.

But now we have these men who are trying to get all gussied up as women with the help of surgeons, makeup artists and hairdressers with names like Pepe. Even after surviving that arduous process, these men quite often end up looking like a former East German “female” weight lifter named Klaus. Yet, despite that, they still proclaim that finally they are their “true self.”

I have to tell you, that if my “true self” looks like that after spending thousands of dollars, I’m going to be even angrier than when I spend $10 on a haircut and the gal cuts one of my three hairs too short, requiring me to apply super glue to keep it in place.

If you have seen the photos of the new Bruce Jenner, aka Caitlyn, then you know what I’m talking about. And if you’re a guy like me, you most likely suffered from several restive nights filled with nightmares of being on a date with Caitlyn and asking her if Victoria’s Secret sells sets of matching jockstraps and sports bras, sending her into a rage and causing her to beat the crap out of you, rip off your head and toss it like a shot put, setting another Olympic record.

Really, if a guy wants to live as a woman, he doesn’t need a wig, high-heeled shoes and lipstick because being a woman is much more than that. It’s more of a behavior difference than an eyelash-length difference.

Say, for example, while you were a guy you owned two pairs of shoes, one for mowing the grass or watching football on TV and a second pair to wear to weddings and funerals. Well, as a woman you’ll want to increase your shoe inventory by at least 35 pairs, and that’s not counting the ones neatly stored in your closet, but just the ones lying around the house on the floor so you can change shoes each time you sit down.

Another sign that a man is truly approaching womanhood is how much stuff he can fit on the bathroom sink counter. After your gender metamorphosis, if your sink counter still only holds a toothbrush stored in a drinking cup, a tube of plain-old unflavored Colgate toothpaste and a soap bar remnant the size of a postage stamp, then you are certainly not yet a candidate for that Vanity Fair cover shot.

No, to complete the transition to “the fairer sex,” a label which I can’t help but question when applied to the likes of Caitlyn the Barbarian, one’s bathroom sink counter must resemble the laboratory table of a mad scientist holding everything from collagen booster and 3-D glitter nail polish, to a hair remover laser and a curling iron the size of a hedge trimmer.

Plus, it certainly goes without saying that it takes more than breast implants to turn a man into a woman, because if that was all it took, then the entire 2016 field of male GOP presidential candidates could qualify as transgender since they are the biggest bunch of boobs in the media since the female cast of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

Of course, we all should have seen this growing wave of transgender headlines coming. Males in our society have been making the transition to females for years. Look at phone use as just one example.

Used to be that outside of work you would only see females talking on the phone. It was just something that girls loved to do, but guys hated.

However, people today don’t actually talk on their phones but instead use them to send funny pictures and short messages that don’t require an ability to spell such as “U r dum.”

So now there are males using phones out in public where everybody can see them — and they’re not even embarrassed! So naturally, I knew it was only a matter of time before guys would be making appointments for lip augmentation.
For another clear indication that American males were drifting toward their feminine side over the last decade, one only had to visit the nearest Starbucks where you could overhear young men at the counter request orders like, “I would like an iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and a caramel swirl on top.”

It’s gotten so weird that anymore when I order a cup of black coffee, the barista appears confused. And don’t even get me started on men wearing skinny jeans!

Yep, something tells me that Bruce “Trans” Jenner won’t be the last guy the whole world will watch make the switch from the men’s decathlon to the women’s pentathlon.

Mike Murphy of Pocatello retired after a 35-year teaching and coaching career. He has a master’s degree in English from the University of Nebraska and is an Associated Press award-winning columnist.